Whispers from the Camino—Day 30

October 4    Vega de Valcarce to Triacastela     32.6 km

Early morning light and fog

First thing I did this morning was to check the MacArthur Fellowship website. I knew that today was the day when the recipients would be announced. I wasn’t expecting my name to be there, but the one conversation I had months before where a well-known Oregon non-profit leader had asked me about what I would do with the money if I was awarded it left me with just a hint of “might that be what this pilgrimage is all about.”

I opened the page announcing the winners. A list of twenty some individuals who were doing some of the most amazing groundbreaking, innovative and culturally significant work were listed. My name was not there.

I let out a big sigh of relief. I wasn’t sure what that was about, but it suddenly grounded me. Now I could concentrate on living out this life of pilgrimage uncertainty. With that door closed for sure the future was again wide open. I would finish this Camino, fly to England for two weeks of research of the British Pilgrimage Trust and the infrastructure they were putting in place there, and then return to the States where I would prepare to live in my camper for the next few months while developing my vision to build a pilgrimage infrastructure on this side of the big puddle.

I thought back to some of the final conversations between me and the leadership of the Presbytery of the Cascades. In a personnel review I was asked what areas of growth I would concentrate on during the next year. I think my answers then were probably a foretaste of things to come. I knew, of course, that question assumed that I would reflect on things I could do to improve my executive leadership of the institutional church. Instead,I  I concentrated on my spiritual life. I wrote that I would spend the year reflecting on and living into three separate quotes that have become important to me:

“I have come to give you life and give it abundantly.” John 10: 10 in the Christian Bible

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Howard Thurman

“Your vocation is where your deep gladness meets the world’s deep needs.” Frederick Buechner

I knew exactly what this was about. I felt strongly that what the institutional church needed was not better administrators and organizational managers, but spiritual leaders. I said this in my original interview when I answered a question about what I felt the presbytery needed. I told them they needed a leader who represented the soul of the organization more than they needed a competent administrator.

My future at this point was very uncertain, but I was feeling comfortable that whatever came next had to reflect my intention to live more deeply into my spiritual core. It is what I needed, but it is also what I felt our society and our churches desperately needed. I had been in the church long enough to know that concerns over keeping the structure of the church intact often dwarfed the prayerful intention to simply embody our spiritual values and let structure take a back seat.

It brought me back to what seemed like a deep and persistent theme of this pilgrimage. America’s inability to grieve was killing us. The herculean efforts that we put into trying to maintain that which is naturally eroding, declining and dying is wasted energy. Things die. The earth and life exist in seasonal cycles. Spring wouldn’t exist unless we allowed the graceful letting go of fall and the harsh cold emptiness of winter. But Americans, as a rule, aren’t comfortable with emptiness and so we spend much of our lives fighting a losing battle rather than simply giving into the cyclical nature of life—something the Christian tradition calls death and resurrection.

On the Camino many meals come with either a bottle of water or a bottle of wine. Your choice!

It was a strange day, but one that left me largely content. I only had three more weeks of planned activities. I had a bought an airline ticket back to Portland for October 26. My health insurance would lapse on November 1 and the only possible income on the horizon was in a half-time position in Eastern Oregon for about six months of work. I would not be able to afford a home, but was preparing to have my 16-foot camper ready for six months of living.

The day just confirmed what had been growing in me for quite some time. When push comes to shove my need to embody my spiritual vocation is stronger than my need for financial security. I felt sadness, but also relief and deep contentment.

The Camino was helping me to discover my truest and most authentic self. I knew that my decisions often looked unconventional to the outside observer. But now I finally had language for way I made personal and professional decisions over the course of my adult life.

A private room! Nice.

It made sense to me now. I am a pilgrim at heart and probably always have been.