Whispers from the Camino—Day 12

Granon to Villafranca Montes de Oca 27.3 km

September 16

I don’t’ know what it was about the experience of Granon, but all day was consumed with the thought, “I just want to go home.” It may have been that the environment at the Granon albergue had many elements of home—the communal dinner, the shared time of connection and prayer, and even seeing the dozens of shoes and walking sticks in the stairwells on the way to our communal sleeping room.

Of course, I knew that the yearning for home was not a sign that I wanted to abandon the Camino and get back to my house and family in Portland. It was a deeper yearning that has followed me most of my life. I have had, at times, the picture of home with a house, spouse, children, and meaningful work. But even when many of the elements of home have been there I have rarely felt like I was truly “at home.”

I spent this day trying to figure out how to set my life up to give me the best chance of creating this “home feeling” that I had been chasing for most of my life. At the age of 63, I felt like it was a little too early to retire. I still was not eligible for Medicare and, if I did retire, it would mean a pretty simple lifestyle either living in a camper or trailer or maybe renting a room or small apartment in the city. It was doable, but was I ready to choose such simplicity in exchange for the freedom of not having to work and meetlng others’ expectations.

I ran through various scenarios such as getting back to Portland and taking a $75K church position in order to hold onto my house and build enough retirement earnings to stay in the house for as long as I was healthy enough. I also considered the possibility of retiring from the PCUSA with my pension and then finding some work in the community that would make up the $50K difference needed to maintain my lifestyle.

I found no answers actually, but the exercise seemed important as if I wouldn’t be able to find my answer until I had exhausted all the other possibilities.

Ironically enough, the Camino itself provided some of the answer I would need.

“Lose your mind. Find your Soul.”

After my failed marriage I feel like I had discovered so much of the soul that had missing in those earlier years of marriage. I had a partner, but that culturally curious and physically adventurous side of me never had much expression. In the years since my divorce I had recovered that side of me. I had crossed thousands of miles both on my bicycle and on foot discovering the pilgrim lifestyle.

Here I was on this 500-mile walk across Spain. I was doing what I loved to do. But something was missing. I just wanted to share it with someone who made my eyes light up when I looked at her.